


Brick by Brick

by HomesickAlien



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, also some mentions of past shnz, local trans kids bond about being trans and gay more at 11, mostly dialogue....
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-23
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2019-01-04 07:12:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12164028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HomesickAlien/pseuds/HomesickAlien
Summary: Vocal Training or unprofessional Therapy, Nazuna's not really sure what he's gotten into with this enigma called Narukami Arashi.





	Brick by Brick

**Author's Note:**

> based around a recent arashi substory i somehow never read until like a week ago and decided it was the perfect excuse to be able to write the fic i've been wanting to write since sports-fes.  
> For the sake of self indulgence, I'm using they/them for Arashi. Nazuna is written as a trans boy, which if you've talked to me for even .05 seconds you'd know this was inevitable. there's some mild talk about suicide, if that gets you then probably skip this I guess.  
> I guess that's it. It's a lot of talking, I wrote all the dialogue first and it alone took up so much space, haha. I wanted to have a real interaction between these two, the game's versions are never satisfying for me... I hope I did okay~<3

 “You’re really asking the wrong person about this, you know?”

 Nito says, closing the door to the practice room behind him. Properly, this time, it’d be a real nuisance if someone decided to butt in, again. It’s not like he hates his job or anything, but Arashi is about the worst person he’s ever met when it comes to filling out proper forms for this kind of thing. It’s always an abrupt conversation in the halls, or after school, where Arashi’s calling out to Nazuna over and over about vocal training at so-and-so time, so-and-so day… He’s lucky he’s never forgotten, but the same can’t really be said for Arashi.

 Still, they actually showed up, today, a warm and determined look painted on their face. Maybe they’ll actually go somewhere, this time, thus far it’s been a whole lot of nothing. True to themselves, Arashi doesn’t do more than put in the minimal amount of effort to go forward in life. Nazuna only wishes he could be so carefree.

 “Who better to ask than the only boy at this school who’s ever had to try, right~?”

 “I really didn’t have to try, you know? I wasn’t allowed.”

 “Oh, you mean, because of that Itsuki, right? He’s such a boar, isn’t he~?”

 Arashi grunts, shaking his head. Nazuna doesn’t really get them, but it always seems their more readily available for gossip than training. Nazuna has to hold them down himself, stretching their neck properly. After a few seconds, he turns Arashi’s head, wondering himself if there’s anything he really has to say. It’s not like he’s really thought much of it, of Itsuki and Kagehira and running away with his tail between his legs. He hasn’t seen or heard from them in some time, the days without them are starting to overwhelm his memory of his days with them. 

 Certainly, this school is much more lively than he remembered. Boys are rowdy and obnoxious, there’s no way they were always this aggressive, right? This weird? And speaking of...

 “Well, he’s weird, but I really wouldn’t call him a bad person.”

 “Seriously, you and Mika both, you know~? Aren’t you even a little angry.”

 Nazuna sighs, burying the feeling of it in the guise of stretching himself as he steps on his toes to push Arashi’s head back. It’s so supremely unfair, to be this short and have to play the role of instructor. Nobody takes him seriously one bit, all this playing independence really is starting to feel like a child’s fantasy to him. He can’t escape the grasp Shuu has on him, can’t cut the strings strangling all blood flow from his arms to his ankles to his head. It’s tiresome, he’s going to be a full grown adult soon, one who has to make a living for years without the rest of his idol group following him.

 Nazuna steps back as Arashi finishes stretching. He guides them along with deep breathes before continuing the conversation, letting Arashi feel out their own voice as they go. Initially, it was all about singing, but Arashi doesn’t have the focus to attempt that for longer than a few seconds. Nazuna’s not sure speaking will truly translate seamlessly into singing, but he’s under the impression Arashi’s not as motivated as they’re playing at. For good enough reasons, Nazuna himself is living in the same world of trial and error. 

 There’s no one but themselves to be the judge, here. They might regret it someday, but that just means they have the rest of their lives then to figure it out. Right now, Arashi is everyone’s big sister, and Nazuna is everyone’s big brother, and that is the best possible outcome for the two of them.

 “I probably was at one point. Still, it’d be stupid to keep dwelling on it now.”

 “Aren’t you worried about Mika~? He, like, really wears me out, you know?”

 “If I worry about him, he just gets mad at me, so it’s pretty much useless. But you’re right, he wears me out, too. I’m sure he’s gonna fall apart if he keeps going the way he is now.”

 Mika’s words of disdain constantly replay in Nazuna’s mind. It doesn’t matter what he does, where he goes, even if it’s just for a coffee or an ice cream, the memories always at the forefront of his mind. Even if his words were illegitimate, it’s so painful to let go of the love they once held for one another. Mika is family to Nazuna, in the truest sense he’d give anything to see Mika happy, but if it’s a happiness without him… 

 That’s the life he chose for himself, isn’t it? How childish is he to blame anyone else for Mika not following him down that road to liberation. Maybe, given time, Nazuna could have been happy following Shuu, but it’s not a happiness he could feel good about. It’s just a distraction, anyday it would have fallen apart.

 Then, he thinks, why is it he can’t stop thinking about them? About their happiest days together, did they even really happen, or did he make them up in the fantastical desire for a happiness he’d never attain? How terribly difficult memories can be, he can’t trust a single thought in his mind at all. 

 “Ohh, what should I do, I wonder~? No matter what I say, I’m just ignored. I could really hurt that Itsuki guy, you know?”

 Arashi’s voice cracks, and Nazuna pokes at their stomach with a soft smile.

 “You’re losing your voice getting emotional like that.”

 “I can’t help it! I haven’t used my deep voice in years, you know~?”

 “There’s really nothing wrong with your voice, now. If you like it, sing with it.”

 “Nooo~ I, like, really do want to be versatile, you know? I’m still a boy, right~?”

 “You’re a weird boy in that case. But I guess I understand.”

 Nazuna used to hate speaking. Not that Shuu helped with that, but it is one thing he can’t entirely blame Shuu for. Or, at the very least, he blames him for different reasons. 

 In the past, he’d only wanted to survive as someone he could love. That’s still far from how he is now, there’s still so many issues he’d give the world to take away. Parts of him that make him want to die. But it’s not the same as someone else telling him he’s wrong, the way Shuu did.

 Speaking with a new voice, the way boys normally do as they grow older… It was proof, after all, that Nazuna was a boy all along, right? Did Shuu just not believe him? 

 “Honestly, I admire your commitment, you know? Like, how’d you even get in this school?”

 “Itsuki’s really not one who can be swayed when he decides on something, even if it’s not his life he’s making decisions for. Besides, his family used to be pretty influential, so, again, I didn’t have to try.”

 He remembers distinctly being dragged around by that weird boy from such a young age. Somehow, after hearing Nazuna sing, with such a pretty, effeminate voice he’d decided for himself it was something he’d wanted for himself. For his aspiration, his dream, his Valkyrie… 

 Maybe he just played along because it meant being in an all boys school. Maybe he just played along because someone else agreed to call him a boy at all.

 “Oh, I’m like, really glad though? You’re like, a really cute boy who’s easy to talk to, too? Boys around here are so gross, but like, you were totally untouchable in the past? I was really shocked when Mika told me you were really a person, you know?”

 “Cute. I only wish I were more spiteful, I’d probably joining you in punching Itsuki for that.”

 “Oh my God, no, I’ll like, be happy to hit him twice, thanks.”

 Nazuna presses two fingers against Arashi’s throat. They’ve already got a normal, masculine voice, it’s probably good enough if they’re just trying to appeal to an older generation, but they can’t keep the image up at all. The way Arashi talks is so fanservice-like, it sounds like a performance act where the only one who believes the show is real is Arashi themself.

 “Maybe you shouldn’t talk so… Girly, if you’re trying to sell yourself as a man you can’t be saying like, this, like, that, like, Oh my God, you know?”

 “I can’t help it! O~kay, hang on~ Let me try stretching again!”

 Nazuna chuckles under his breath, watching Arashi turn their head and telling them when to switch positions. Left, right, up, down… A routine Nazuna still unnecessarily follows every morning, even now that his voice is permanently altered, it just feels like the comfortable thing to do. Like somehow he’ll pass just a little bit better, and yet still all these boys who have known him the past three years still spite him. Calling him small and girly and cute… It might be his idol unit’s image, but nobody in Ra*bits seems to want that, do they? It’s like he has to beg on his knees for Hajime not to shave his hair, or for Tomoya to wear cute outfits for their benefits.

 And, on the other hand, he’s simultaneously comforting them for naturally growing older and masculine. In fact, it feels like he has that talk with Mitsuru once every month, now. Perhaps it would be in their interest to change more, but doing so now is a bit…

 Well, now who’s the one losing their focus? He returns his attention to Arashi, trying to find words to get a conversation going again.

 “I’m glad someone cares about Mika that much, but really, I’m not sure it’s necessary.”

 Although, he’s starting to feel like he’s talking to a mirror, in any case. He’s the one butting his head where it doesn’t belong, at the very least Arashi and Kagehira are actually friends, aren’t they?

 “Itsuki messed up pretty badly, I’m sure he’s realized that. We haven’t reconciled or anything, but there are those rare occasions we talk like classmates do, you know? Whatever you think he’s doing, maybe you should reconsider how it really is…”

 “Mmmm, I know. I know it’s not his fault, but it’s so much easier to blame him than Mika.”

 “It’s not honest. Your deepest vocal range is the one that’s truest to your soul, you know? It’s all your honest feelings hidden deep inside. If you aren’t honest with yourself, no one’s ever gonna see you as a man.”

 “So says the expert on being a man, huh? Maybe I should hit Mika, instead?”

 “He might actually survive it, unlike Itsuki.”

 Nazuna laughs, and Arashi follows suite. When Arashi really laughs like that, Nazuna feels like he understands a bit the person Arashi truly is. The sweet, childish girl in Arashi’s heart they’re always proclaiming to have. It suits them a lot more, being happy. Nazuna can only extend so much comfort when he’s gone his life oblivious to the rest of the world, a doll who’s only just escaped his prison casing. Still, he does what he can. They might both be older siblings here, but Nazuna is truly their senior and teacher here. He rests a hand over Arashi’s and it’s as soft and pleasant as he’d assumed Arashi must be.

 “Um, yeah, I’m pretty sure if i just touched his cute doll he’d faint, seriously? There’s, li… There’s nothing attractive about a guy like that? Mika has bad tastes, I really thought I’d raised him better, you know?”

 “He’s really ungrateful, isn’t he? But there’s a lot of things about Itsuki you’re not seeing.”

 “Like~? God, do you have bad tastes, too?”

 Without a second thought, Nazuna hits Arashi over the head before they can even really finish spitting out the thought. Nazuna doesn’t seem it, but he’s probably the most aggressive person in this school, he’s so out of touch with being an idol it goes to show how poor he is at holding back now. It’s his only means of asserting his leadership, now, and even though his little hands could hardly even dream to bruise a person built strong like Arashi, they still end up singing a little ‘ow~’ and rubbing their head.

 “Shut up. You’re gonna hate this, but you should keep up that angry face. When you furrow your brows, your voice comes out deeper.”

 “Answer my question, teacher!”

 “Yes, there was probably a time I’d felt something akin to love for Itsuki. I probably still do, but I’d rather not think about it.”

 He says that, but maybe it would be nice to really talk about it to someone. He feels bad burdening Izumi about it, and aside from him nobody involved is all that great of a listener. It might be nice to get more comfortable with Arashi over time, but their opinion is as biased beyond repair as Nazuna’s own. 

 But everything would be so much easier if he could come to understand his own feelings for Itsuki. If it were love or simple admiration, if it matters what it was or what it wasn’t. If he really wanted to be an idol or if he should make a career change now while he has the chance. They’re just questions with no real answers, floating endlessly in the abyss. He feels like a child trying to voice them all– Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? Because God made it that way?

 “What am I not seeing? I just want what’s best for my friend, you know? I’m nervous, you know?”

 “Have you ever considered you might just be jealous?”

 He can be vigilant, too. He’s seen the way Arashi looks at Mika, the way they smile from the bottom of their heart to be with Mika. Being ignored by the one you love, it’s a painful feeling. Maybe it’s fine for Arashi to play it off with his little teacher crush, but when it’s someone your age you adore the repression is much more difficult.

 Arashi’s a beautiful person, and maybe they’re too beautiful, really. Too beautiful to be loved by normal people on this Earth. Mika’s pretty ignorant to those feelings, he must think he’s too worthless to be loved genuinely by someone like Arashi, or maybe he simply cherishes a friend more in a world where everyone is Mika’s enemy. If he would overcome that hurdle, and learn to trust new people, perhaps loving old friends would come more naturally to him.

 “I’m, like, totally not? Seriously, I, like, only have eyes for one man, you know?”

 “You can seriously cut the act, you know.”

 “It’s not an act! You’re really rude for such a little thing, you know?”

 “Yeah, I’ve always been rude, I just never got to say it until this year. I’m making up for lost time.”

 “God, it must have been awful to be forced to act like a girl, huh?”

 “No, awful is being told by the only person who ever accepted you you’re not good enough.”

 “Isn’t it? Isn’t it? And that’s why I’m nervous, you know! I’m nervous Mika is like… Wait, no…”

 Nazuna can be vigilant, too, but not really. He’d been so preoccupied in his own mind the year prior, he can’t say he truly remembers everything that happened to every one person. But the risk of losing someone, it’s not something he was foreign to.

 They were the first, after all. A noble sacrifice. Nazuna remembers clear as day how much strength it’d taken to keep Shuu from killing himself. To convince him to eat, to breath, to come back to school every day. It must have been the first time he’d ever yelled in his entire life, just trying to find meaning in this world that said it didn’t want them. Trying to justify God’s good will that was promised to Shuu Itsuki from day one. Somehow, that burden must have fell off his shoulders and onto Mika’s, even if Shuu is much better now, Mika acts as though everything is all the same as it once was. 

 They’re all the same brand of stupid, Nazuna’s just taken the initiative to distance himself from it. 

 “I’m not ignorant. As a wall flower, I think I learned more about everyone here than I ever wanted to, but I was so deep in my thoughts I guess I never had any consideration for others, either.”

 “Join the club. Everyone here’s just now starting to have some sympathy.”

 There’s some truth to that, but they’re all still reckless children living in a world too big for them. It’s nice to have a few teachers who truly worry for their well-being, but it’s not really enough to teach a group of hundreds of boys wanting to be on top of the world. Of the kids who’ve survived through hell, they hadn’t learned a thing at all until a girl as sweet as Anzu found time to teach them all individually. Slowly, slowly… Slowly but surely, they’re all becoming more ‘human-like,’ aren’t they? Normal kids, just like the kids in the regular school district, who are all taking new paths towards adulthood than what they might have before she’d blessed all of them. Maybe Nazuna doesn’t have to be an idol, he could be a teacher or a producer himself or something like that… Just like the other boys going and aiming for college or a stable job, that sounds really quaint after all this passes. 

 Somehow, for as much as his precious junior whines about it, being normal sounds like a life much more worth living.

 “I don’t think Mika would ever do that. At least, not while he’s with Itsuki.”

 “That’s even more frustrating. I want him to lean on me, too.”

 “Don’t force it, he might just end up calling you a traitor~”

 Nazuna sings, but it’s not like it isn’t painful for him. To be forced to feel bad about every decision he makes, from being a boy to moving forward with his life, it’s draining. He’d like to start over his entire life again, and meet Mika and Shuu for the very first time as he is now. As a person with feelings and dreams and deep thoughts to rival a philosopher's, maybe they could have been friends like that if Nazuna weren’t so immature when they’d all met first. He’d known nothing about the world back then, he still doesn’t, but maybe someday… 

 “Oh my God, no! He can hate everyone else all he wants, but if he ever said that to me, I might really die, you know!”

 “Mika’s kind of stupid without Mentor around. He’s a cruel boy who says a lot of things he doesn’t mean. Guess that’s why I can’t stop butting my head in, you know? I want to see him really smile, again.”

 “Yeah… I do too.”

 They’re both smiling warmly, stomachs empty of all the terrible insects devouring their insides prior. Soon there will be beautiful butterflies giving way to sweet, loving feelings, maybe then they can tell those people who matter so much to them they’re in love, after all. Right now, it would just be fine enough to be able to speak in a voice that gives them comfort at night. 

 After all, who can they love without first loving themselves, right?

 “You’ve been talking pretty consistently with that voice, wanna try singing?”

 “No way~ I feel like I just spent an hour in counseling, which I again would have rather it been with Mr. Kunugi, why are you so productive~?”

 “Sorry, I’ve pretty much stuffed three years of High School into one, you know?”

 “Really, I promise I’ll hit him for real, okay~”

 “Don’t kill off your cute girly persona for our problems.”

 “I’m a knight, too, you know~? I’m a strong knight and a beautiful queen, you know~?”

 Nazuna laughs, leaning his head on Arashi’s shoulder. He shakes his head emptily, still completely baffled by this person called Arashi Narukami. A vocal lesson or a glorified therapy session, it doesn’t really make sense to him, but he thinks he understands a little bit more about his adorable junior, now. Maybe he knows a little bit more about a lot of people, now. 

 It fascinates him, how connected everyone is here. They’re all linked together like the veins that keep Yumenosaki’s heart beating. If it’s like this, the one Anzu had conjured up all on her lonesome, he really doesn’t mind keeping it going for the time being. It would be nice to see Mika and Shuu… Valkyrie, for them to find their own happiness with their precious producer. 

 “It doesn’t really matter what Itsuki does. As long as he keeps looking out for me… As long as Itsuki loves me, Mika will probably keep taking after me. I think you have something of a talent for that, don’t you?

 “Oh my God, you are rude! Not anymore, see! See!~”

 Arashi pulls at the blonde strands of their hair, for emphasis. There’s really no telling for Nazuna if that’s supposed to be his natural hair or if there’s a cute blonde at this school Arashi’s somehow fallen for twice as hard as they have for Akiomi. He smiles politely, ruffling Arashi’s perfectly combed and styled hair into the natural mess that just seems to suit them best. Arashi who’s messy, and imperfect, the Arashi who’d never become a model or an idol, he likes to imagine this is what they looked like. 

 “Whatever, weirdo.” Nazuna laughs, letting his fingers slide through the rest of Arashi’s hair slowly and precisely. “Still, I know it’s hypocritical of me to say, but I think you should be the one to talk to Mika about all this.”

 “If he ever gave me the opportunity. I would!”

 “Just, you know…. Yeah. I think we’re overstaying our welcome, so let’s…”

 Nazuna awkwardly cuts off their conversation together, tired enough himself to take a good, long nap after all this. Working is such a hassle, he can’t imagine how Mika keeps up with all his part-time jobs so flawlessly, with such a sweet smile plastered on his face. Does he really adore Shuu that much? For all his boasting, Nazuna himself admits he knows so little about the two of them, how they met or why Mika had to replace him the way he did. If that even bothers him or if he’s repressing again, just the thought is giving him migraines.

 “Teacher! I’m like, totally broke, but you, like, didn’t help at all so I’m like, gonna have to demand compensation?”

 “You can’t be serious.”

 “Yeah, you made me talk about a bunch of stuff I shouldn’t, so like now I just really wanna stuff my sorrows with cake and ice cream~?”

 Nazuna rolls his eyes, grabbing his bag lying against the wall. Like he didn’t have to talk about his own unnecessary problems, honestly. Girls are such difficult people, he can’t say he relates at all. 

 “You really are a girl in the end, huh?”

 “I’ve been saying that for, like, ever~ God, boys are so dumb, you know~?”

 “Uhhh, yeah, I guess. Hurry up and get your things, I’m hungry, too.”

 “Yessir~!<3”  


 

 “Listen, thanks for taking care of Mika, really? I’m glad he’s got such a good friend.”

 Nazuna manages to grumble out his thanks, even if he’s not really sure it’s the right thing to say. Regardless of what happens between all of them, it would be nice if Arashi never left Mika’s side, and yet asking something like that feels wrong on his tongue. Nazuna wouldn’t want to force anyone into such a fate, of being trapped and bound to someone they can’t save. 

 Rather, it would be nice if Arashi coul love Mika carefreely, without feeling forced into helping Mika from a mysterious boogeyman that doesn’t exist. 

 “Yeah, don’t thank me, it’s pretty selfish still.”

 “Atonement is the only thing we can do to get into Heaven. I like to believe that, anyway.”

 “I wonder if there’s room for me, there, too? Oh, that’s a morbid thought, not cute at all~ You’re really not cute when you talk~?”

 Nazuna laughs, and shoving Arashi lightheartedly with his elbow.

 “That’s probably good since I’m a boy, you know~”

 “Yeah, you don’t have to assert yourself over me, kay~? I wanna know the real Nazuna~!”

 “When I meet him, I’ll introduce you.”

 “Such a pessimist~ Geez, I’m gonna feel guilty, here~ Lemme buy you a cake, too~?”

 “Such a hypocrite, honestly.” Nazuna frowns, but it doesn’t seem to last long. Nothing unpleasant seems to last long when he’s with Arashi. He can only assume being bound to the same cruel fate does wonders for a person’s empathy. Just this once, letting all his little walls and hurdles fall over, he takes to Arashi’s hand with all the trust he can muster up, to take their friendship and give back as equally as possible. 

 “Yeah, I’d like that.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comment!! Thank you for reading!!  
> feel free to comment how i can improve characterizing Arashi.... I don't write them very often so ;;;;;  
> please respect these beautiful trans kids i love them w/ the passion of 100000 suns


End file.
